Would Donald Trump actually be the healthiest president ever?

We were all treated yesterday to the greatest unintentional parody of 2015, when Donald Trump’s personal physician, Dr. Harold Bornstein, provided a letter detailing that Mr. Trump “would be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency”.

He described that his “laboratory test results were astonishingly excellent”. Not just good. Not just excellent. Astonishingly excellent. I called Lifelabs this morning, and they have yet to adopt this standard of describing lab results in Canada.

“His physical strength and stamina are extraordinary”. Only in the United States would a billionaire receive his primary care from a gastroenterologist who then comments on degrees of cardiovascular fitness. Makes sense.

One wonders what would result if I used the same hyperbole on the next insurance form I complete. “Mr. John Smith is in such perfect health, that his perfection cannot be quantified by current medical technology. You should consider yourself fortunate to be offered the opportunity to insure him.”

So the entire letter from Dr. Bornstein is what we would generally expect from the physician of Donald Trump. Grandiose, overstated claims, creating the image of a demagogue.

But would Trump truly be the healthiest president? Spend a few minutes perusing this terrific site from Dr. Zebra, and you’ll quickly realize that the competition is not exactly that fierce. Affliction after affliction that could never have affected a man of Trump’s constitution.

George H.W. Bush and George W. Bush were both treated with cryotherapy (liquid nitrogen) for actinic keratosis (sun-damaged spots) during their presidencies. Trump has cleverly avoided the sun through his regular use of fake tanning spray.

Barack Obama suffered measles as a child in Indonesia. Trump will likely never meet the same fate, as he wouldn’t dare visit the country with the world’s largest Muslim population.

Ronald Reagan was known to be nearsighted, which disqualified him from serving in combat units in World War II. Trump’s myopia only applies to matters of foreign policy.

John F. Kennedy, Jr. was diagnosed with Addison’s Disease (adrenal insufficiency). Trump heard from Dr. Oz that adrenal fatigue can be easily treated by an extract available over the counter at GNC. JFK was clearly in bed with the pharmaceutical companies (no Marilyn Monroe jokes, please).

John Q. Adams was the product of consanguinity, as his father, John Adams, and his mother, Abigail were 3rd cousins. Trump finds that repulsive, unless….

Franklin D. Roosevelt suffered with polio, which Trump doesn’t actually hold against him. He considers polio to be a lesser evil compared to the inevitable autism that results from today’s deadly vaccines.

On paper, Trump may be able to manufacture a ludicrous argument that his absence of disease should aid his presidency campaign. But the letter from Dr. Bornstein conveniently omits a major medical diagnosis of Trump’s, one that any armchair psychiatrist can make in this case. And we need not look any further than the DSM-V for the details.

Bottom line, based on health, Donald Trump is no more qualified to be president than Montgomery Burns.

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